HowTo:Kill Time

Have trouble understanding Class XII integration?Dropped from college? Have no job? Are you the Project Leader of a team? The company which(after numerous unsuccessful aptitude tests and "HR" interviews) finally decided to hire you, gave you a joining date of 2019? Looks like it's time for you to kill time.

In this brief yet complete guide you'll get to know how to go about performing this seemingly simple yet intricate act of killing time.In 4 easy steps you can complete this complex act.

Step One - Get Rid of Anything Remotely Useful in your Life

If fate hasn't done this bit for you already,then the onus is upon you to take the first step.If you have a job that sucks(or otherwise)? Quit it. If you have exams coming up in 1 weeks time? Stop studying.If you have a project deadline in couple of days time? Pretend to have a migraine. and put all the burden of work on your "teammates".

So the trick is stop doing anything useful in your life,anything that can actually amount to something meaningful.This is very important step if you want to kill time,otherwise it doesn't make much sense to kill time,just for the sake of it.You should be rendered truly idle in order to proceed to Step Two.

Step Two - Kill all urges

Yes,now that you have finished Step One,there would many temptations for you to go back to your life the way it was before you took the first step,but you should first kill all such urges before you go ahead and kill time.One has to be strong and willing in order to stop such kinds of temptations to "utilize" time.

(Meaningful)Life,as you know it,is over for now.However hard it may seem,you cannot go back to your earlier life where you didn't feel any urge to kill time.One should remain oblivious to any kinds of suggestion from anyone which offer you any kind of advice or tips to do otherwise.

Step Three - Killing Time

Time,as we all know,is very precious.Nevertheless we must kill it.

This is the hardest step.After you have made yourself able , you now literally have to kill time.This would require your complete attention towards nothingness.Your complete focus should be on nothing at all.There are many ways to brutally kill time,here are few for your consideration :

• Do Nothing - One has to remain in a dormant state on his bed,starting at the wall.You can't do anything else when you have decided to kill time this way.The only thing you can do,is think.Yes,think about your dreams and your aspirations.And how they have all reduced to dust.Think, about all you ever wanted in life and instead you are staring at a freaking wall.UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES , this thinking should lead you to spoil all the work you have done in Step Two.You just have to think,and not actually do something about your life.
• Become an Orkut Stalker - Anyone can use Orkut but c'mon you are not anyone.
  In order to get more out of this social networking site,one has to find some friends ,who are very "busy" in life and don't have the time(yes,the same time which you seem have to a lot in both hands).Now since you have zeroed in on your target,visit the scarp book of this unassuming friend of yours and post something completely random and irrelevant such as copy-pasting a below scrap or just typing "+1" in his/her scrapbook.
  
  This method of killing time has two fold benefit - First,obviously it does kill time(which is your intention) and Second,it forces the other friend to reply back spewing curses in your scrapbook and thus keeping his/her account active ,saving them from facing de-activation due to inactivity.
• Start Information Overload on Facebook -Share any small piece of news you have found on the internet with other people.A Dog gave birth to a rat? Share the link.Baby Panda sneezing?Share the video.
  Another,similar yet powerful way to kill time is to keep on updating your status every 30 minutes or so.These seemingly simple acts of sharing informasion,has profound effect on the minds of others who unlike you don't have time in their hands,and so it results in some not-so-kind comments,which in turn is a boon for you since it gives you ample time to respond to those comments and anger those very people even more.
• Chat with other species of your kind - There are some legendary chats which can occur between two suspects who are charged with the murder of time.
  
  Example 1 :
  
  
  1:47 AM Suspect A: not sleeping dude ?
  1:48 AM Suspect B: ekdum phresh feel ho raha hai abhi :D
  Suspect A: awesome
  Suspect B: eheh
  1:49 AM tu kya kar raha hai?
  Suspect A: eheheh phresh ho raha hoon re
  eheh not able to sleep man
  Suspect B: haha wohi toh...u sleep in afternoon too like me?
  Suspect A: eheheh yeah
  lol
  1:50 AM Suspect B: toh ghanta neend aayegi 2 baje :D
  Suspect A: true
  aur bol kya chalu hai life mein
  1:51 AM Suspect B: bass yaar..kya chalega...wohi baithe rehte hain net pe
  log pareshan ho jate hain hum se
  Suspect A: haha
  1:52 AM awesome atleast some good from this wretched thing
  Suspect B: aur nahi toh kya....everyone is liye stop wasting time on facebook
  aree toh kya karon
  Suspect A: ehehe man
  i am so bored with everything fuck i cant tell u man
  there are no words left in me
  1:53 AM Suspect B: hahahah
  Suspect A: its liek typing on chats and mails has drained my memory
  Suspect B: i can understand man....still life

• Start Blogging - Write a post such as this.
  

Step Four - Don't Stop

Come what(ever) may,you must continue to kill time over a considerable period of time,preferably somwhere around 3-4 months before you can safely think that you have killed so much time that you wish you hadn't.But don't let the regret get to you,if it does that you are guilty as charged,otherwise you are just another person livin' it through."Enjoying" each day as it comes.


So don't get up off your seats and sit idle to kill time.


PS: " Judge not lest you be judged"

HowTo:Use Facebook,A Complete newbies guide to overcome self-embarrasment

Have you registered an account with Facebook and haven't logged in since then?
Do you login to Facebook once a week and get perplexed with the messages splattered across the homepage?
Do you feel puzzled by the staggering number of icons in Facebook Homepage?
Do you ever lie awake at night and wonder,"Even after completing 16 years of education of highest degree i still can't get myself to figure out this social networking site? Why GOD,WHY?"
Had you almost figured out how to use Facebook,but just about then THEY changed it?

If the answers to all the above questions is "Oh Yes,How did you know all this about me?" then you have come across just the right post my friend.Your worst nightmare is about to end soon.This guide will help you breeze through some of the basic features of Facebook as well as let you everything you (n)ever wanted to know about it.

Facebook Homepage mainly consists of the following features:

1. What's on your mind?
   Yes,Facebook WANTS to know what you are thinking.It "cares" about you ,so much so that it lets everyone know about the same.This box is used by many people(like me) to blurt out any small event in your life that no one,I Repeat -NO ONE cares about but of course you won't let that tiny little thing stop you from sharing it nonetheless.
   So the first step towards becoming a true facebook user starts here.Let your useless thoughts flow and start updating.
   
   You can Add Links,Photos,Videos and More.The internet is the limit.
   
   
2. Requests
   This can be found at extreme right hand side of the homepage.Here you get friend requests from your friends ofcourse and all other kinds of crappy request to add some applications or to join some cause.(Relax,more on these new things later).
   Remember you have the option to ignore well over here,so THINK for a moment before you accept the seemingly simple request from a "friend" ,lest you get irritated by his updates later on.
   
   
3. Main Page
   Now we are slowly progressing towards the difficult part.The main page unlike Orkut(another well known social networking site) shows you a lot of things.One can see all kinds of things going on with everyone's life in this page.
   For Example:
   
   • "XYZ is pissed off with ABC beacuse ABC thought XYX didn't care about ABC's feelings"
   • "XYZ wants grape juice"
   • "XYZ will be married in another 1 year,9 months,13 days and 22hours"
     
   • "XYX is asking very "politely" to GOD that "Why didn't the dinosaurS TAKE these god-forsaken blood-sucking mosquitoes along with them? " *shaking fists in the air* "
     
     
   The smartest thing facebook has done is that they have introduced the HIDE feature,so that you can simply hide anyone and everyone who is suffering from SUD.
   
   
4. Wall
   This feature is somewhat similar to what you call scraps in orkut but unlike there you don't keep on exchanging details to and fro over and over again.This is to be used for simply stating some piece of information or at best asking "What is UP ? " without actually expecting a reply.
   
   
5. Applications
   Now comes the hardest part.These applications can be a little unnerving for a newbie.He/She doesn't seem to understand why do i need applications in my profile.One can add games,flirts,superpoke,compare people,kisses,reputation and many many many many other non-sense apps on your profile.This is the ultimate heaven for high speed broadband users who have no life whatsoever other than their computer.
   
   If you ever come across a message such as "Do you think <insert a friends name here> has a crush on you?" OR "Do you think <insert an ugly friends name here> will make out with you?".
   Don't get hyper sensitive about it,don't start calling him/her to ask whether he/she was really serious about it ? It's just a application which randoms picks out names and adds questions to it,which you can turn off, Yes you can.
   Go To: Settings -->Application Settings --> X
   This lists all the apps your are using or rather which are using you.
   
   
6. Quizzes
   Stay the fuck away from them.
   
   
7. Misc
   
   • In order to spend more of your precious time on facebook you can add comments or LIKE stuff(which simply means,that you don't actually have to know anything about the thing that has been posted and you can simply pretend that you "like" it)
   
   
   • There's a option of chatting as well, with Online Friends visible on the bottom right-hand side.If you get pinged by friends(such as those i warned you before at the time of accepting their friend requests) with whom you don't wanna have any conversation you can choose to go Offline as well.
   
   
   • Highlights : Found on the left right side pane ,this basically consists of the summary of things which you have already seen on main page or rather which you would have "missed".
   
   
   • Pages and Groups:Join in and let the world know about your lame ass choices in music,movies,celebrities and life in general.

That's about it.This is all you need to know about Facebook.It's not as difficult as some people think it is,of course you need a lot of common sense a little bit of self exploration the kind which Orkuteers are not used to.

Happy Poking.

HowTo:Instructions and Guides on anything and everything

प्रत्याख्यान
(Disclaimer)

The below post is written in good humor and out of sheer boredom.Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional.For Complaints & Grievances kindly use the comments section which may or may not result in (if any) prompt action.Though no efforts whatsoever have been made to ensure the accuracy and authenticity the content on this Portal, the same should not be construed as a statement of law or used for any legal purposes. Author apologizes in advance for the complete stupidity and uselessness of this post.


This is going to be my take on 25 Random Thingy which is on Facebook,the only minor difference is that this one doesn't have 25 things and I decided to include some of my friends in this one as well.

Listed below are upcoming 'How To' Guides, which are going to hit the shelf of a bookstore near you very soon.

• HowTo: Ruin a good picture by CharudAtta.If you like this one,then do check out his earlier bestseller HowTo: "."
• HowTo:Reply to a scarp in 7 words or less by Manas.He is currently in the process of writing his new guide HowTo:Use Rebel XTi.
• HowTo:Buy Unnecessary awesome gadgets by Pratham.Author of earlier classics like,HowTo:Meddle with course of nature.
• HowTo:Sleep with eyes and mouth wide open by Viki.
• HowTo:Eat Chillies by Neel.
• HowTo:Get bitten by a chicken by Sabu.
• HowTo:Get Knifed in cZ by Maha.
• HowTo:Smile for Photographs by Amy.She had previously written a rather horrendous personal account in HowTo:Get Poked.
• HowTo:Laugh intermittently by Tanvi.She had earlier written lesser known cult classics such as HowTo:Walk Fast and HowTo:Recommend awesome restaurants.
  
• HowTo:Sing "Barbie-Girl" with Death Growls by Chakku.
• HowTo:Create new words by Mohsin.Author of previously unpublished smash hit HowTo:Do the Nagin Dance.
• HowTo:Take Care of your Hair by Harpreet.
• HowTo:Complete B.E by Ramteke Baba.His previous achievements include HowTo:Recommend Good Music.
  
• HowTo:Wear Braces by Afra.She had earlier almost completed HowTo:Increase your height.
  
• HowTo:Eat More & Stay Skinny by Shweta.
• HowTo:Be Slow by Condi.
• HowTo:Buy costly untangable crappy earphones by Jeet.
• HowTo:Laugh Hysterically by Jisha.She is currently writing HowTo:Dance.
  
• HowTo:Not drive a car by Akshay.Also check out the prequel, HowTo:Not ride a bike.A sequel with a surprising new twist is also in the making ,HowTo: Fly an Aeroplane.
• HowTo:Stand in Queue by Shadab.
• HowTo:Hump Mountains by Gaurang.
• HowTo:Party All Night by jO.
• HowTo:Screw Up by YOU.
  

And last but definitely not the least,here's a few guides by yours truly:

• HowTo:Waste Time.
  
• HowTo:Fail miserably in Aptitude Tests.
• HowTo:Fidget with your face and hair.