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Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Summer of My Discontent


Summer and I don't go very well together.She,for reasons unknown, has always been very harsh on me.The past three months have had a striking resemblance to last year.Last year,I thought this is as bad as it can get,but as always fate was determined to prove me wrong.And wrong i was.Last year i was bored out of my freaking mind being alone at home while there others who were bored out of their own freaking mind by being alone at home and we used to communicate through the holy medium of internet.But this year we have joined forces.

Summer usually applies this Modus Operandi:At first when she's yet to come,she entices me with the grand hope of accomplishment,fulfillment and all things inspirational.Then as she comes closer and when I'm not paying attention she covertly changes her plans(Yes,she's convoluted).As i wait in vain,Summer then arrives and all that is left is a vaguer hope of getting through it with minimum damage.

Summer alone is not responsible for this.For this? For this? For what? Boredom? Discontent?  Restlessness? Habit? The answer is never clear,the lines are always blurred.

I have now started to accept that discontent will always be a part of me.It's in my by design.How much ever i try to deny that,or to fight that it doesn't seem to go away.It fades away for a while only to come back stronger that ever before.On the other hand this feeling of discontentment is the one responsible for all the good things in my life.Bitch.

I'm never discontent in the true sense of the word,i always accept what i get with arms wide open because it's always for the better but at the same time a part of me resents it.A part of me knows that i can do much better,but the other part says "maaf hai".I don't know if that's funny or scary.I remember saying to certain someone yesterday that "i can give best piece of advice to anyone and i can cheer up people during troubled times,wish i could do it myself as well".Or at least someone else would.

Okay,so my perspective has shifted a bit during the course of writing this post.Now as a result of a conversation i am wondering "Really,am i too harsh on myself?". Do i like this feeling of judging myself on my own terms and then wallowing in that feeling of discontentment? Sometimes i do feel that my mind goes overboard with all the thoughts.The imploding voice inside my head really fucks me up.On the outside i can work,watch a movie,share a joke,crack a bad joke(i mean a really really really bad joke) but on the inside my thoughts keep tearing me apart.

I guess there's no point.The specifics hardly matter.Kalti.

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