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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

HowTo:Kill Time

Have trouble understanding Class XII integration?Dropped from college? Have no job? Are you the Project Leader of a team? The company which(after numerous unsuccessful aptitude tests and "HR" interviews) finally decided to hire you, gave you a joining date of 2019? Looks like it's time for you to kill time.

In this brief yet complete guide you'll get to know how to go about performing this seemingly simple yet intricate act of killing time.In 4 easy steps you can complete this complex act.

Step One - Get Rid of Anything Remotely Useful in your Life

fate hasn't done this bit for you already,then the onus is upon you to take the first step.If you have a job that sucks(or otherwise)? Quit it. If you have exams coming up in 1 weeks time? Stop studying.If you have a project deadline in couple of days time? Pretend to have a migraine. and put all the burden of work on your "teammates".

So the trick is stop doing anything useful in your life,anything that can actually amount to something meaningful.This is very important step if you want to kill time,otherwise it doesn't make much sense to kill time,just for the sake of it.You should be rendered truly idle in order to proceed to Step Two.

Step Two - Kill all urges

Yes,now that you have finished Step One,there would many temptations for you to go back to your life the way it was before you took the first step,but you should first
kill all such urges before you go ahead and kill time.One has to be strong and willing in order to stop such kinds of temptations to "utilize" time.

(Meaningful)Life,as you know it,is over for now.However hard it may seem,you
cannot go back to your earlier life where you didn't feel any urge to kill time.One should remain oblivious to any kinds of suggestion from anyone which offer you any kind of advice or tips to do otherwise.

Step Three - Killing Time

Time,as we all know,is very precious.Nevertheless we must kill it.

This is the hardest step.After you have made yourself able , you now literally have to kill time.This would require your complete attention towards
nothingness.Your complete focus should be on nothing at all.There are many ways to brutally kill time,here are few for your consideration :

  • Do Nothing - One has to remain in a dormant state on his bed,starting at the wall.You can't do anything else when you have decided to kill time this way.The only thing you can do,is think.Yes,think about your dreams and your aspirations.And how they have all reduced to dust.Think, about all you ever wanted in life and instead you are staring at a freaking wall.UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES , this thinking should lead you to spoil all the work you have done in Step Two.You just have to think,and not actually do something about your life.
  • Become an Orkut Stalker - Anyone can use Orkut but c'mon you are not anyone.
    In order to get more out of this social networking site,one has to find some friends ,who are very "busy" in life and don't have the time(yes,the same time which you seem have to a lot in both hands).Now since you have zeroed in on your target,visit the scarp book of this unassuming friend of yours and post something completely random and irrelevant such as copy-pasting a below scrap or just typing "+1" in his/her scrapbook.

    This method of killing time has two fold benefit - First,obviously it does kill time(which is your intention) and Second,it forces the other friend to reply back spewing curses in your scrapbook and thus keeping his/her account active ,saving them from facing de-activation due to inactivity.
  • Start Information Overload on Facebook -Share any small piece of news you have found on the internet with other people.A Dog gave birth to a rat? Share the link.Baby Panda sneezing?Share the video.
    Another,similar yet powerful way to kill time is to keep on updating your status every 30 minutes or so.These seemingly simple acts of sharing informasion,has profound effect on the minds of others who unlike you don't have time in their hands,and so it results in some not-so-kind comments,which in turn is a boon for you since it gives you ample time to respond to those comments and anger those very people even more.
  • Chat with other species of your kind - There are some legendary chats which can occur between two suspects who are charged with the murder of time.

    Example 1 :

    1:47 AM Suspect A: not sleeping dude ?
    1:48 AM Suspect B: ekdum phresh feel ho raha hai abhi :D
    Suspect A: awesome
    Suspect B: eheh
    1:49 AM tu kya kar raha hai?
    Suspect A: eheheh phresh ho raha hoon re
    eheh not able to sleep man
    Suspect B: haha wohi toh...u sleep in afternoon too like me?
    Suspect A: eheheh yeah
    1:50 AM Suspect B: toh ghanta neend aayegi 2 baje :D
    Suspect A: true
    aur bol kya chalu hai life mein
    1:51 AM Suspect B: bass yaar..kya chalega...wohi baithe rehte hain net pe
    log pareshan ho jate hain hum se
    Suspect A: haha
    1:52 AM awesome atleast some good from this wretched thing
    Suspect B: aur nahi toh kya....everyone is liye stop wasting time on facebook
    aree toh kya karon
    Suspect A: ehehe man
    i am so bored with everything fuck i cant tell u man
    there are no words left in me
    1:53 AM Suspect B: hahahah
    Suspect A: its liek typing on chats and mails has drained my memory
    Suspect B: i can understand man....still life
  • Start Blogging - Write a post such as this.

Step Four - Don't Stop

Come what(ever) may,you
must continue to kill time over a considerable period of time,preferably somwhere around 3-4 months before you can safely think that you have killed so much time that you wish you hadn't.But don't let the regret get to you,if it does that you are guilty as charged,otherwise you are just another person livin' it through."Enjoying" each day as it comes.

So don't get up off your seats and sit idle to kill time.

PS: " Judge not lest you be judged"


Anonymous said...

Thanks man..
i needed a moses, a prophet to give me hope and direction...

Thanks to you i have found that direction, a way to keep myself happy, a road to walk upon..

Neeraz tussi gr8 ho..

Ms. Sunshine said...

Go..get a life dude!

Neeraj Munshi said...

@viki : just keep followin,i'll lead you to greener pastures :D

@jisha:ab kya bolon mein....easier said than done.

Anshul said...

I suspect that one of the 'suspects' there is Bipin! What with the trademark 'eheh's! :P
Am I correct?

Neeraj Munshi said...

Bang On.Who else it could be? :D